what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
