He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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