Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
