My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
