My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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