you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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