Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
