I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
