Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
