I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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