You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
