you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
