I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
