dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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