My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
