Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
