i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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