It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
