ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
