peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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