carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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