btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
