I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
