god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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