we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
