please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
