even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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