when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We are all done wearing pants today
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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