somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
