He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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