The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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