I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
