You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
