this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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