if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
