I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
