Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just want to make out with him forever
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
