Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
