sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
you made out with another girl for some wings
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
