seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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