my soul wont recognize me after tonight
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
