how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
