If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Randomize
