I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
