I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
