Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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