Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
