Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
