Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
