dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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